The Secret Predictor of Divorce You’re Overlooking
Did you know that divorce can be predicted? It sounds crazy, I know, but Dr. John Gottman is a guy who can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. His predictions were featured in a number-one bestseller. The book is called Blink, and it was written by Malcolm Gladwell.
The doctor had the opportunity to meet countless couples and watch thousands of them argue in his lab. So, he knows exactly which communication patterns usually predict divorce. He decided to call them ”The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.
Are you already wondering what these specific negative patterns are? Before you worry that you might encounter these in your marriage, make sure to read the entire article. The negative communication patterns are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Is there anything that sounds familiar? If the answer is yes, you might be facing a divorce sooner or later.
There were millions of copies sold, and its success is undeniable. The book has revolutionized the way we can strengthen our marriages. Gottman’s experience with couples makes him a professional when it comes to rebuilding trust and love in a relationship. Straightforward yet still profound, the book will present you with techniques to help you achieve greater levels of intimacy.
What’s the biggest predictor of divorce?
Dr. John Gottman believes that contempt is the most destructive one, because it conveys in ”I’m better than you.” This way of thinking is extremely toxic. Not being respected by your life partner is a serious problem you should never overlook. The target of contempt is to make a partner feel worthless.
Contempt is not just an eye roll or sarcastic remark here and there; it’s a deep sense of disrespect or moral superiority one partner feels over the other. Unlike anger, which can also seriously affect marriages, contempt poisons the emotional well-being of a relationship. It eats away at all the trust and connection built over the years.
What Contempt Looks Like
Even though you might think contempt happens in toxic marriages, it often starts subtly. Here are some key examples of signs that contempt has taken hold:
- Sarcasm
Most of the time, contempt shows up as sarcasm, especially when it is used against one of the partners. For example, one spouse might roll their eyes and say ”Oh, great idea, genius”, after just a minor mistake. Even though it might seem a minor sign, sarcasm isn’t playful, it’s meant to make the other person feel small.
- Insults
When disagreements escalate into calling the other person stupid or lazy, or even worse, contempt has crossed into open hostility. These attacks are not just about addressing inappropriate behavior, they’re aimed directly at the person’s character. So, if your partner often insults you, consider it a huge sign of a breakup. You shouldn’t let anyone criticize you, especially your life partner. All these words will never be forgotten, seriously affecting your marriage in the long term.
- Dismissiveness
Contempt doesn’t come with dramatic fights, it often shows up as a cold and casual dismissiveness. One partner might brush off the other’s concerns with a wave of a hand or a ”whatever.” Remember that your feelings are important and you should express your opinions whenever you feel the need. Your perspective matters, and if your partner has a problem, that’s not because of you.
- Constant criticism
Are you in a marriage where anything you do is not considered good enough? There are a lot of healthy ways of expressing frustrations, but contempt moves beyond behavior and attacks the person’s worth. It’s the difference between saying ”I’m upset because you are not helping me clean the house” and ”You’re irresponsible, you never think of anyone but yourself.”\
Why Is Contempt So Destructive?
While contempt can feel just like another form of conflict, in reality, its effects run much deeper. That’s why it’s so damaging to relationships. As we all know, every relationship needs emotional safety, the possibility to simply be vulnerable and share your feelings without being judged. Contempt rips this safety away.
When one partner feels they constantly need to be worried because they might end up being ridiculed, they begin to emotionally withdraw. Over time, they stop sharing openly and pull back, leaving the relationship disconnected.
The partner who is constantly criticized and seen as inferior will begin to wonder why they even stay in the relationship. The serious problem appears when the partner loses self-trust and starts believing that they don’t deserve to be treated better. That’s how traumas are formed.
All couples fight, but what separates lasting relationships from those that end is the ability to repair, to listen, to care, and to say sorry. Contempt makes repair impossible, especially because it hardens people into fixed positions. When one partner believes they’re morally or intellectually superior, they’re less likely to admit the mistakes they make and offer genuine apologies. The longer this dynamic lasts, the harder it is to break free.
Contempt has the power to kill love. It’s impossible to feel warmth and desire for someone who doesn’t respect themselves or someone you look down on. The couples who were in Dr. Gottman’s study shared their experiences, letting the doctor observe how the emotional bond starts to fade once contempt appears.
How to Tell if Contempt Is Creeping In
Most of the time, couples miss the warning signs of contempt. The partners simply don’t want to accept that their marriage is not going in a true direction and begin to normalize certain toxic patterns. However, you should not forget that no matter how hard you are trying to ignore all the problems from your relationships, there’ll come a time when you’ll need to simply accept the reality.
The sooner you discover what isn’t working properly, the better. Don’t wait until it’s too late, because a damaged marriage can never be fixed again. If you are in a marriage, here are some of the questions you should ask yourself to help assess whether contempt might be affecting your relationship.
- Do you feel like one person is always right and the other person is always wrong?
- Are disagreements filled with sarcasm and insults?
- Do you feel disgusted by your partner regularly?
- Are your repair attempts rejected or ignored?
Think about them, but if the answer is yes to several of these, it might be the perfect time to take a closer look at your marriage and how contempt might be shaping your interactions.
Final Thoughts
When a relationship begins to break down, people often look for a big solution. Just think about those romantic movies. If anything goes wrong, the partner who made a mistake will come back with a grandious gift, some chocolate, and flowers. But in reality, the real healing starts with something way smaller and quieter, which is called respect.
Respect is the opposite of contempt, and it’s one of the most powerful tools in a relationship. Once you lose it, there’s no turning back.
Respect is not about agreeing all the time. It’s impossible for two people to always share the same ideas, no matter how much they love each other. Disagreements are natural, and frustrations are also inevitable. However, respect means that even in moments of conflict, you don’t hurt each other’s feelings. When you fight, you can’t just reduce your partner to their mistakes. You need to control and remember that they are someone you care about, someone with feelings and needs, just like you.
Appreciation is one of the simplest ways to nurture respect. Small thank-yous, kind words, and thoughtful gestures can remind both of you why you’re together in the first place. And, unfortunately, when respect is lost, each time you hug each other, you will remember all the negative words and insults.
Remember that empathy ties everything together. Respect without empathy can feel hollow, but when you genuinely try to understand and feel with your partner, you deepen your bond. Empathy feels like a bridge between the two of you. Before you hurt each other and spread negativity in your marriage, consider your feelings.
In case you are worried that contempt has appeared in your relationship, don’t panic. If you don’t ignore it and do your best to improve your marriage, things might work great. Talk about it. Acknowledge the problems and don’t ignore the small signs. It’s never too late to make small changes. Each moment of respect and love for each other is a step away from contempt, and… divorce. So, yes, marriages can sometimes feel overwhelming, but the key to success and longevity is represented by how you face the inevitable problems.
Dr. John Gottman even wrote a book to help couples save their marriages. It can be found on Amazon and has great reviews. It’s called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert.
Are you interested in learning more about toxic relationships? Here’s what to read next: Relationship Trouble? 7 Moments Experts Say You MUST Walk Away
