Frequently Asked Questions
Can a person with covert narcissistic traits change?
Genuine, lasting change for someone with deep-seated narcissistic patterns is rare and requires immense self-awareness and a long-term commitment to intensive therapy. It is not something you can force or fix for them. It is generally more realistic and safer for you to focus on changing your own behaviors and boundaries rather than waiting for them to change.
What’s the difference between this and someone who is just shy or has low self-esteem?
While both may appear insecure, the key difference lies in entitlement and empathy. A genuinely shy person with low self-esteem is often highly empathetic and overly concerned about hurting others. A covert narcissist’s “sensitivity” is self-centered. Their hurt is about their own wounded pride, not genuine concern for your feelings, and it is often used to manipulate and control.
How do I cope if this person is my aging parent or adult child?
This is an incredibly difficult situation, often layered with guilt and obligation. The focus here is on managing the relationship, not necessarily ending it. Setting firm but loving boundaries—which are rules you set for your own behavior—is key. You might say, “Mom, I am happy to visit on Sunday, but I will leave if you start criticizing my choices.” The focus is on what you will do. Techniques like the gray rock method and limiting the duration of your interactions can also be very effective.
Is using the “gray rock” method rude or manipulative?
Gray rocking is a self-protective strategy, not a tool for everyday communication in healthy relationships. It is a way to disengage from manipulative or abusive behavior. It may feel unnatural because it goes against our instincts to connect, but in the context of emotional abuse, it is a way to reclaim your safety and peace. It is about protecting your energy, not punishing the other person.
What if this person is a long-term spouse I don’t want to leave?
Many people are in this position. The goal becomes creating a life that is fulfilling and peaceful for you, even within the constraints of the relationship. This involves building a strong support system outside the marriage, developing hobbies and interests that are just for you, and working with a therapist to learn how to emotionally detach from your spouse’s manipulative behavior. It’s about creating pockets of joy and safety for yourself.
